What follows is a simple diagnostic exercise to determine if you or your loved ones may be as smart as a bag of hammers on a pile of dirt with no human soul around for miles. Take the quiz and score yourself from 1 to 5, 5 being “MAX WOKE” and 1 being “STILL A LITTLE RACIST.”

1. I don’t notice or care about glaring inconsistencies.

Joe Biden not wearing a mask on Federal property? Massive celebrations occurring in the streets after his victory? No problem. He is the president and can ignore his own rules. And viruses don’t spread at Democratic celebrations.

Across the pond, 23 members of Japan’s Health Ministry may have held an unmasked, after hours party in Tokyo, but so what? While it’s true small businesses owned by ‘normal people’ in Japan are told to close early and require masks, government officials are special people and can ignore such guidelines.

Even students must take safety precautions. In Ohio, for example, high school wrestlers can grapple, smash their sweaty bodies and saliva-streaked faces together, turning themselves into a writhing, human pretzel, but shaking hands after the match is strictly prohibited. This makes sense to me.

This is why the World Health Organization and other authorities have said masks don’t help that much, and then, suddenly, that they do. This is why we were told we could return to normal after the vaccine, but now that we cannot. Doctors and nurses at overwhelmed hospitals may indeed be making complex, time-consuming, choreographed dance videos for TikTok, but politicians and their wealthy pals know what is best for us. So I trust them. That’s why they are taking special vacations everyday people like us cannot, as is currently happening in Britain. I’m 100% convinced there is a valid reason for all of these things.

1. I think I have a say over how others manage their health.

I not only think of myself, but also about the health and wellbeing of others. What’s more, I want to use the state to violently enforce my opinions on this matter. Unable or unwilling to wear a mask? Unsure about the vaccine? Well too damn bad, conspiracy theorist and disabled kid. Get gagged and prepare for your NON-CONSENSUAL PENETRATION. It’s for your health! You see, I may not be very confident my own mask and vaccine will protect me, but the real reason I’m enraged is because I am miserable and have a low self-image, so I want others to feel as bad as me. Open enjoyment of life is irresponsible, and annoying.

1. I think facts are unfair, and disagreements are probably racist.

It’s true Kary Mullis, Nobel Prize winning creator of the Polymerase Chain Reaction (PCR) test, warned us about its misapplication resulting in misleading conclusions. It’s also true that people dying of heart disease and cancer are being counted as covid deaths. And that the flu has all but disappeared globally. Sure, the World Economic Forum is talking about a ‘Great Reset’ of society that will include abolition of private property altogether. And yes, they’re openly using this so-called pandemic as justification for it. These are all facts. But you know what? I ignore them. Stop the Asian hate and STFU, because only white, cis-gendered privileged men have time to care about such things. I already have my hands full trying to teach black people and other minorities how to use computers, and trying to force everyone around me to put bacteria-slathered diapers over their faces.

1. I go absolutely apeshit insane and become violent at random times for no reason.

Whether it’s throwing my bicycle into somebody’s car window, choking random women in the street, or ripping small children out of their mother’s arms, I scream like a possum in a glowing hot vice grip whenever anyone threatens my fragile sense of hemorrhoidal self-righteousness. In other words, I’m an inflamed asshole, and nobody likes me. I could change that with a little humility and the development of a personality, but that’s too much work. ‘Covid’ has given me a brilliant excuse to berate and abuse others, and to feel like I am doing something good with my life, when in fact it’s as empty as my text message inbox.

1. I have no understanding of private property or self-ownership.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand why ‘public property’ cannot and never will be able to work, so I just continue repeating empty tropes about the value of democracy, and the necessity of ‘common sense’ regulations on freedom. I can’t see that democracy is literally mob rule, or why forcing others to live as I see fit, under threat of violence, is not good. The mask madness has shown all too clearly the problem with so-called public property: the people extorted by taxes to pay for it and forced to share it rarely agree on how it should be used! But should we get rid of the brutal and bloody state and privatize? Hell no. More systematic violence is the only way to eliminate systematic violence! People do not own their own bodies. The government does.

Results

Well, how did you do? If you didn’t understand the point of this article, you are probably fine and should continue wearing your mask, berating others, emotionally abusing and physically suffocating children, and doing whatever the TV tells you. You are right and they are wrong. Soon, your genetic modification therapy will be rewarded with a delicious doughnut a day for a whole year, a vaccine passport, and the approval of your non-thinking, retard friends.

Congrats, you are officially ‘woke’ in the time of … scary virus!